For the past week, I have been attempting at various times to "produce" a piece of writing/content to share my creative process leading up to my song release because I said I would. I've been quite hard on myself for falling into resistance - breaking through and feeling empowered - to then find myself in resistance once again. Quite honestly I can see how I've approached this desire to express myself & share from old beliefs, constructs, and ways of operating that leave me feeling more stressed & depleted than Inspired & filled up. I can really liken it to trying to force yourself to go to the toilet when you are constipated, no matter how hard you try it just won't come out! I've also noticed all the resistances that come up to distract me from holding firm boundaries around the container of what I intended to create. My focus then becomes more worried about how I am going to be perceived or what will happen (externally) than how I want to feel or what I want to experience (internally) and takes me out of the enjoyment of the process. The pressure I feel to deliver is intense but the pressure is not coming from anyone outside of me but from within. This isn't something new that I am experiencing in my life this is a common theme that immediately follows anytime I decide to follow my inner knowing or do something I know is in alignment with my soul.
I am learning to integrate a new way of being & I can see these are all opportunities for me to keep embodying what I have learnt, to continue to face my true north without making it mean something (e.g. I'm a failure) anytime I get caught up in the old. It's a transition and transitions take time. Owning it bringing it into the light, and speaking to these energies don't allow them to covertly operate and hijack your experience without your awareness. I now have access to consciously choose to write from a place of alignment to my original intention and my intention was to honour my process, honour my journey & to share what is real.
My soul is calling me to share myself through this medium as I have discovered over the course of my life and even more so recently the therapeutic benefits of writing from the soul (without attachment to how it looks or how it sounds as long as it is authentic to me) & the deep healing that can be facilitated through the art of writing. It's always been a far easier medium for me to express how I feel and to communicate my inner reality alongside anything else creative, like singing, dancing & art.
When I created the intention to share aspects of my Transformative Journey in relation to the part of me that wants to express herself as an Artist/Singer/Songwriter I think I underestimated the task I had set for myself. I thought insignificantly - Yeah it'll be so easy to share, but as I sit here writing this it doesn't feel easy in fact it feels too much and impossible - but at the same time - I also feel so connected to the depth of the intricacies, detail & magical synchronicities of how all of this has been weaved together since the beginning of time. It's quite overwhelming looking back at the many moving pieces, the people & beings who have activated, triggered & supported me through this journey & co-created alongside me and I am choking back tears as I write this because I know the deeper meaning & the bigger picture & mission behind this song, what it is connected to, what it symbolises for me & for my Soul Family. I feel like I have been training lifetimes for this moment.
This moment signifies a REBIRTH! A concious cleansing & burning of everything that is not true for my soul & my path. I am also preparing for the death of an older version of me who is transforming & alchemising into this new version of Annalie who is ready to step into what she came here to do. It is time for REAL-ALIGNMENT.
This old way of being has served me greatly. It has been my comfort & my safety in this world. I had to adopt different strategies of coping to survive in a world that is not made for sensitive souls. Resistance & distractions were employed by me to protect my inner child, to keep me away from accessing & feeling discomfort or pain associated with past wounding & trauma. I see their purpose & when I see it in this way, I feel so grateful that I am here. I can have more self-compassion & not be so harsh or critical on myself. Understanding why I need to protect myself & the wounds I carry allows me to deal with the root cause of my resistance & distractions which means I can be aware of them when they are at play & deal with the real reason they have surfaced which supports me in making long term & foundational progress as opposed to repeating cycles & making myself wrong for having resistance & being distracted & reacting to their presence in unhealthy ways.
For anyone who is reading this, I want you to know (this is also a reminder for myself) that resistance & distractions are common & very normal. There is nothing wrong with you, you are human & this life we signed up for is full of opportunities to learn, grow, & experience fully what being human means. Just because you experience resistance or become distracted doesn't mean that you are failing at the very thing you are intending to bring to life but maybe it's a sign that you are close to an unveiling or breaking through the very things that are blocking you from experiencing the thing you want to bring to life.
It's all about perspective and you get to choose but only if you want to. Make friends with your resistance & distraction they are here to teach you a valuable lesson.
With Love & Grattitude,